i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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