guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
