I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
My bed smells like the plague
Randomize
