Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
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