She's JV to your varsity
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize