There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
