so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
