Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
