I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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