End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize