I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
The power of my boobs compel you
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Randomize
