Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
