The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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