I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
