I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i just sent this text using only my big toe
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
