I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
