I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
