I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
