i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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