We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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