it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Randomize
