Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
