A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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