I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Randomize
