my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I have feelings that need drinking.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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