I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
