I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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