i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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