I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
