Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
