I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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