Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
