I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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