can u get pink eye on your cock?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Randomize
