he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
