they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
