I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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