Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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