$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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