Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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