I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Im part way to drunk.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
