he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
