Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
