i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
