Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
