Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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