My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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