Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Randomize