My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
