I'm so fucking centered right now
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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