I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
