There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
