Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
