What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
