dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Randomize
