god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
