i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize