I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
