I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
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