Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
