if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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