fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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