I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Randomize
