watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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