i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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