I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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