My first STD was from a foam party
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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