dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
