tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
