so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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